Backbiter

When US comic Bill Hicks (10 years dead and still missed) said that marketing people should "kill yourself now", it's fair to say there were some who agreed with the sentiment.

Aside from the ease of the plan - which would no doubt see them marketing the culling for a bag of cash - it would cut down on the sheer amount of rubbish that gets shoved into the public domain.

If you don't believe me, then visit Pentax's US website. As you will see, the company has announced its status as 'The Official Digital Camera Of The Internet^TM'.

Presumably, judging by the most popular images littering the web, this would make it the official camera of porn, Star Trek conventions and the birthdays of people you've never met and don't care about.

Even if you ever find yourself in need of a marketing campaign on this epic level, I'm sure Della Femina Rothschild Jeary and Partners can help you rebrand as the 'Official Spokesperson Of Space Or Whatever^TM'.

Still, at least Pentax is aiming high with its claims, something that seems to have completely passed over the heads of the Eaga Partnership.

No, I'd never heard of it either, but it is involved in handing out grants to low income households, and it promotes itself as the '28th Best Company to Work for in the UK'.

Who would seriously make this claim proudly? Certainly not all the British tennis players ranked below Greg Rusedski. (Who is the 28th best British tennis player? Does anyone know?)

Before Eaga is mocked too much, I should draw attention to its press release which proudly declares that it "has given over £2.5 to Eaga Partnership Charitable Trust". We're sure that will come in handy for the underprivileged, although £2.5 million would be better.

Even the Eaga Partnership isn't daft enough to take credit for sponsoring Stevenage Borough Football Club. That unique privilege goes to AVC broadband, which supplies satellite services to the 29 per cent of UK households that can't get terrestrial broadband.

Interestingly, it's the same 29 per cent of households that don't care about Stevenage Borough FC. Oh, them and the other 71 per cent of households.

Back to computers, and one of the most stupid products ever: the I-Duck. Essentially, it's part duck, part 16MB USB flash-memory.

The accompanying bumf tries to convince solicitors to invest £24.99 and use it to take reports and notes home. Great idea, because it would fill me with confidence to see the solicitor I hire using a plastic duck.

If that sounds strange why not visit Mike Oldfield's website and his new Maestro game?

The primitive-looking game, set in a series of tunnels, would appear to be best described as an interactive journey through Mike Oldfield's behind, set to the music of Tubular Bells. I think Mike's site says it best with the question: "Why is Maestro?". Indeed.

There's a semblance of a coherent message in all of the marketing so far, but that's the tip of the iceberg. If you want crazy, then turn to Pointsec, which is proud to announce that it's in the 'Leadership' quadrant in Gartner's 'Magic Quadrant for Mobile Data Protection Research'.

What exactly is in the water? Apparently, it's all held in high esteem, although I can't work out by whom. Perhaps someone could forward me a list of names.

Even worse, though, is all those adverts that make outrageous claims backed up by small print. Who hasn't been annoyed by the spate of broadband adverts claiming: 'The way broadband was meant to be priced'?

Read the small print and it soon becomes clear that it's either an offer for a 128Kbps service, or a two-month discount.

The most stupid claim made by a company this month goes to Zalman and its Noiseless Switching Power Supply. According to the rear of the box, it is quieter than silent.

That's right, it actually emits less noise than the complete absence of all sound. If only it generated a wave of silence that would wash over the marketing department.

A final word has to be spared for the major PC manufacturer that launched a new range of PCs and notebooks. It was an excellent PowerPoint presentation that was recently delivered, by an Apple Powerbook. Interesting message, I'm sure you'll agree.

If you have any moans, groans or scurrilous gossip that you think might interest backbiter, you can email him at backbiter@pcw.co.uk.

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